Pipes’ Crazy-Ass Double-Cheese-Crust Apple Pie

First, pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees. You want it ready to rock as soon as the pie is made so it will be ready to eat sooner.

Ingredients for Pastry:
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. cream of tartar
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
2/3 cup lard (don’t be a pussy, use real lard for goodness’ sake, not shortening!)
1/3 cup butter (for flavour and colour)
1/2 cup grated old white cheddar cheese
1 large egg, beaten and chilled
6-7 tbsp. (the less, the better) of very cold water (put ice cubes in it)

Basic Pastry Rules: make it fast, keep it cold, don’t touch it too much

Mix together dry ingredients in large chilled bowl.
Cut in lard and butter until pea-sized lumps form. Don’t get fussy. Don’t over mix.
Add beaten egg and sprinkle in cold water, 1 tbsp at a time.
Toss with fork until pastry just begins to get together but is still a little dry.
Divide into two balls. Place one ball onto lightly floured rolling surface, put the other in the fridge.
Roll in every direction with a lightly flour-dusted rolling pin until you have a circle big enough to fit the bottom of the pie plate (Pyrex glass pie plates work best, go buy one if you don’t have one at home).
Trim around the edge with a knife, leaving a little pastry hanging over the rim of the plate.
Shove it in the fridge to chill while you make the filling.

Ingredients for Filling:
5-6 medium sized tart apples (try “Ladi” if you can; they’re pale green and almost sour tasting but they cook well)
1 cup chopped ripe strawberries
3/4 cup unsalted butter
1 large egg (beaten)
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 heaping tbsp Lyle’s golden treacle (look in British import shops if you can’t find it in your local grocers)
liberal gratings of FRESH nutmeg and cinnamon

Core apples but leave skins on. Slice thinly – shoot for half a centimetre thick.
Fry apples in large pan with butter on medium-high for 10 minutes, flipping regularly with a good wrist flick. Don’t burn yourself with airborne butter. If your motor skills are not sufficiently developed for you to excel at the wrist-flick, use a spatula, but be gentle so the apple slices don’t totally lose their shape and become apple sauce. That is NOT the desired effect. You want browned, softened slices.
Grate in nutmeg and cinnamon. Use powdered stuff only if you want my recipe to suck.
Add strawberries, sugar, treacle and egg last (in that order). Be sure to remove the apples from the hot burner BEFORE you pour the beaten egg mixture in, to avoid the egg scrambling.

Pour mixture into pie shell, roll out top crust in the same manner as bottom crust, flute edges with your fingers or use a fork, and cut out some pretty holes or use a knife to write a cute message in the upper crust like “Metallica 4eva” or “I (heart) Gypsies” or “Mom” with an anchor and a snake. Be creative.

Put a little halo of tin foil over the crust to stop it from burning. Bake with foil on for 25 minutes, then remove foil and bake for another 20-25 minutes, or until crust is golden and you get a little bubbly apple juice action coming out from under the crust.

Take pie out, inhale aroma deeply, let it cool for as long as you can before ravenously attacking its molten goodness with a fork. Do not feel obligated to share with others, but let the knowledge that there is a half a cup of cheese and almost a full cup of LARD in the crust be your conscience when considering how many slices to give away to friends and family. The trick to concealing baking-related weight gain is to make all of your coworkers and acquaintances gain at an equal or greater rate. Plus, you can always make more later.