I’ve been mighty pensive today. Maybe it’s being alone in the house that’s doing it, but I was pensive all the way home from work, too.
Still no stinking word from U of T re: my graduation. I’ve checked my Academic History on ROSI about 12 times over the past week and nothing. Left messages with my grad counsellor and my prof. Zip. Why must they torture me so?
Speaking of school: a long while ago,
Cranly’s plan was to have a very small fund of $100 that would be awarded to the biggest slacker in their freshman year. There would be an essay, 500 words, titled “Why I Am the Biggest Slacker”: the trick to being the winning applicant would be a combination of whose work was the shoddiest and the furthest past the deadline, with extra points for lame excuses or plagiarism.
After much sober consideration, I’ve decided that that particular prize (while it may be something that Cranly should pursue himself one day) is not the lasting impression I want to leave for future generations of University of Toronto students to marvel at. However, the idea of an amusing legacy does have some appeal. As a recipient of scholarships myself in the past, I know how encouraging they can be, and what a relief it is to have even the slightest reprieve from money woes when you’re in school.
I’m not “wealthy”, as per the Rockerfellas, Kennedys, etcetera, but I think that in the next two years I will have achieved sufficient financial security to have a little wriggle room to help others up the ladder. I don’t buy lottery tickets, or do much that’s crazy with my money (impulsive real estate purchases aside), so this will be what my mother calls “mad money”. As such, I do believe that I’ve made the promise to myself, today, that on the occasion of my thirtieth birthday, as a present from me to me, I will bequeath a modest $500 to a deserving undergraduate at my old college, with the requisite absurd qualifications on who gets it to keep it fun and interesting.
I know I’m no Osceola McCarty, but I think that it is a nice gesture of my solidarity to my school, an assertion of my belief in the value of education, and the satisfying fulfillment of a promise made by my younger self. And I figured that, by writing it down here, in my diary, I’ll be held to my good intentions when 2007 rolls around. Just to be safe, I’d like to state for the record that if I accidentally get knocked up before that time, my good intentions are null and void.
Now I just have to dream up the ridiculous qualifiers… (have them write haiku? limericks? sew quilt squares? bake me a pie? what?!)
Great. Now I feel like an asshole for getting all huffy about the tobacco entry. You should know, however, that of late the beneficent influence of one Miss Christina has actually put quite a dent in the smoking habit. So I am feeling much less “huffy” these days.
(On a related note, one of the French limericks was delivered today; I will find out what she thought of it tomorrow. I don’t think she will think much of it, because she does not speak French.)
For the Cranly_Pants UnderSquared Scholarship, the secret path to automatic victory will be to show an early interest in applying for the award but then not follow through or even complete the application.
In the event that more than one prospective recipient fails to complete the application, the scholarship award committee will contact each of them and ask why. An interview, if you will. The half-assed applicant with the funniest answer wins the prize.
I think one of the qualifications for the Pipesdreams Fellowship should be the ability to drink 8 Coronas and record a song with three part harmony. That’s just my opinion, though.
-CP
When I am wealthy, I am going to fund a memorial toilet for this dickhead Chair of department who was, in the tradition of dickheads, a real dickhead to me for four years. And in the toilet, I will place urinals and stall dedicated to all the people who irritated me throughout my years at undergraduate. I’ll invite their families to the unveiling ceremony and everything. The toilet will be in the basement of a building dedicated to myself, of course.
-caellum
Just to be safe, I’d like to state for the record that if I accidentally get knocked up before that time, my good intentions are null and void.
Not to worry! It’s an old tenet of contract law that the courts will not enforce a gratuitous promise. No need for disclaimers here.
[end obnoxious legal Clavenism]
Incidentally, I think your scholarship idea is spectacular. It’s yet one more example of what a charming, creative, generous and inspiring person you happen to be. How cool is it that I get to be friends with you?
How cool is it that I get to be friends with you?
I couldn’t help but notice that you were not similarly inspired by my Cranly_Pants “Tomorrow’s Champions of Mediocrity of Tomorrow” Fellowship, and I just want to say that I’m very hurt and disappointed.
-CP
You underestimate me, my friend. I was so moved and impressed that I thought about writing to commend you, and then didn’t.
It seems that the very concept of the award stirred my inner slacker to the point where I couldn’t be bothered to post about it. Hell, that should qualify me for the award right there!
Haaa ha ha ha ha ha ha
*snort* *giggle*
That was an excellent riposte. I’ll be chucking quietly for the balance of the morning, thanks to you.
That’s an awesome idea.
Are you going to have their portraits laser-etched onto the porcelain bowls? Or perhaps that would deduct from the classiness of your vision.
Maybe brass plaques with names engraved, placed just at the “target” level of the urinal backsplash would be a more subtle gesture, safeguarding the dignified atmosphere of your revered learning institution.
(ps – Have you baked the pie yet? Any luck?)
I, too, will be chuckling all morning. Also brilliant is the scholarship idea, Moi – I for one will be voting for the haiku (my absurd communication form of choice).
C
…I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that three part extravaganza…have I pipes??
I have often thought of doing similar things, but have such a hate-on for the current President of my very small school that I just can’t do anything nice for them right now.
Sadly for you, I believe that you have. Maybe one day I will post the song to the internet somewhere, and link it to LiveJournal. Cranly and I are actually a prolific musical team, who have not only produced as a combined effort interpretations of ‘Dust in the Wind’ and ‘Blackbird’ (regular AND gangsta rap versions), but as individuals have crafted ‘Seven Bridges Road’ and ‘Whitest Guy on the Block’ (Cranly), and ‘Julia’ (Pipes).
More songs will be forthcoming, as soon as I get my ass to New York and give Cranly some advance notice so he can learn new tunes on his banjo. I believe ‘Time After Time’ was discussed, but for me to do it justice, there’s going to have to be more than just six Coronas involved.
Not to rain on this parade-o-whimsy or anything, but I’m actually quite curious about the viability of this idea.
Would a universityh actually let anyone set up a scholarship, with any kind of requirements, for any amount of money? I would assume you’d have to endow enough money for the scholarship to be self-sustaining for a certain amount of time. Otherwise, you’d kind of think a lot of people would opt out of making general donations to the school in favour of something a little more fun and/or self-aggrandizing. For comparison’s sake, at all the non-profits I’ve worked for, the type of recognition you get for your donation is based on the amount of $$$ you donate. And to get your name on anything important (ie more than just the annual report), you tend to have to donate fairly significant $$$.
I also wonder if the universities require that any officially endorsed (ie published on the school website, in the course calendar, etc) scholarships meet other kinds of criteria related to academic standards or financial need? If nothing else, you’d think someone else would have set up at least one scholarship with wacky requirements by now…
Baking the pie this weekend, when Time presents herself to me. Time is a sassy wench, always playing hard to get.
I was thinking I might requisition urinal cakes carved to resemble the individuals in question. Subtle, but very satisfying.
-caellum