It’s time to stop the insanity. I posted Wednesday about the Metro running a news article about the Toronto Transit Commission using part of their maintenance budget to revamp some severely ugly, nasty downtown subway stations.

Several comments, mostly positive, were left by , , , etc. But there were two tirades from a certain , (whom I usually ignore when he gets all pissy-faced) that I have decided should not be left unchallenged.

To Joe, I say, ‘Enough with the rampant, unchecked negativity, Herr Grumpy Von Wedgiepants!’ I am very disappointed in your slap-dash, shouting-for-the-sake-of-making-noise “arguments” against the TTC’s new impulse to make its stations easier to navigate and more artistic. Let us break them down one by one, shall we?

1. Who are you to define what an urban subway station “should” look like?
I’m sorry, did you think that concept was copyrighted and carved in stone by 1960s designers who thought Bauhaus was an attractive architectural movement? No. There has *always* been a tradition of synthesis between public art and public transit.

Even in Toronto, ugly though most of our older stations may be, we’ve made some pathetic stabs at beautification (about four decades ago, but still). At your very own Spadina station’s north Kendal Rd. exit, they have encased a massive quilt called “Barren Ground Caribou”, a major part of Canadian history made by Joyce Wieland. And inside the main entrance building, on the northeast corner of Bloor and Spadina, are three massive cedar house posts depicting the owl, wolf and hawk, carved by Gitksan First Nation peoples in British Columbia. There are many, many more examples, particularly involving the newer Sheppard line. I could go on, but I won’t. Suffice to say, art + subway = good.

Aesthetics are about evolution and revolution, and standing on some weak policy that we have an established method for “decorating” (read: tiling in putrid colours) our subway stations is a weak and untenable position. Also, as you know, I fucking hate Pottery Barn, and would certainly join your protest if the TTC was funding $80 throw pillows and chenille accents or leather-bound armchairs with matching mahogany desk clocks, but that is not what this is about.

This is about giving clear direction to tourists and new immigrants with images, not words, as to where the hell they are when they arrive at the subway station for cultural meccas such as the ROM, AGO, COC opera house, etc. ps – I seriously doubt that Pottery Barn will be coming out with their “home sarcophagus” anytime soon.

2. Take the ugly or get out of the subway WTF excuse me?
If YOU can’t handle standing in a newly renovated subway because of aesthetic irritation, I guess YOU are welcome to walk in the middle of February. Maybe that will convince YOU that maybe seeing stimulating non-tile decor isn’t so bad after all.

3. Newsflash: the bank has not been broken, stop panicking about $$$
Ka-ching, ka-ching. While I do agree that budgeting with public money is always a problem, given our dire need for social programs and other underfunded necessities, the environment can not and must not be allowed to take a back seat, and if more people start using the TTC because it no longer looks like a urinal, then maybe that will mean less cars and less pollutants. I mean, which station would you rather leave your car at home for?

This one (in St. Petersburg)?

Or this one (Toronto’s College St)?

More importantly, if money has been set aside for much-needed and long-delayed upgrades, then that’s what it should be used for. End of discussion. Every major public service has spent long periods of time deciding how much money goes into capital improvement, and in the larger context of a $1.069 billion operating budget, I think they can spare the loose change. I will be sending my own letter to counteract your own, although I am certain they will disregard your mostly groundless objections.

4. Mind the Gap
Wow. Your ignorance of world transit systems astounds me.

a) London: the oldest, the biggest, the prettiest
I cannot believe you appealed to the London Underground as an example of why we shouldn’t bother trying to spruce up our subway. Have you ever been to London? Have you left Canada? Have you ever left your own home?

Baker Street station on the Bakerloo line has a Sherlockian theme, to indicate to tourists that they are approaching 221b Baker Street. Canary Wharf, Southgate, Southwark, Waterloo and Westminster are magnificent, with not one inch of “1960’s subway tile” to be seen. You can bet your boots these designs were not accomplished on a maintenance budget of $350,000 Canadian (plus corporate matching). I think we should be grateful that so much can be done with so little.

b) New York? Did you say NEW YORK? SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
“Since the subway system was inaugurated in 1904, stations have been decorated with ornamented station name plates and signs. These ceramic wall decors come in a great variety and are found in abundance in almost all underground stations.”

New York ceramic decor

“New York’s subway system became somewhat neglected in the following decades, but recently, the ‘Arts for Transit’ program, founded in 1985, helped to remove the dreariness of the 1980s. The system now hosts more than 150 modern works of site-specific public art, see [tfaoi.com], [nycsubway.org], [mta.info].”

New York subway art

New York subway designs that reflect their stops

50th streeet — ‘Alice: the Way Out’

81st Street/Museum of Natural History

116th Street — ‘Harlem Timeline’

Coney Island/Stillwell Avenue

South Ferry

c) Other subway systems:
We’re getting aesthetically spanked by… well, everyone.
Follow this link for heartbreaking beauty in subways across the globe.

Even the *capital of freaking Azerbaijan* has taken us to the car wash:

Feel shame at being surpassed by a country with a gross national product of US$810 per capita

5. Music to my ears
As for your insouciant comment about “piping in some calming easy listening music to help further soothe commuters”, maybe you missed the part of the Metro article where they discussed the auditory element of Osgoode station? Welcome to Wagner-town, baybee! All plebes looking to dismount the TTC at Osgood will be subjected to recorded operatic performance, like it or not. I can only applaud this sort of ghetto cultural retraining. Rock on, Howard Moscoe.

6. Manicurist boutiques and potpourri kiosks sound awesome
Vendors of all types already exist on many platforms, both in Toronto and elsewhere in the world.

When I was in Barcelona, there were beer vending machines in the underground, with all proceeds going towards civic transit improvement projects, such that the Barcelona underground has climate control (air conditioning is worth its weight in gold in Spain) and one of the most punctual train systems anywhere.

There are digital screens informing waiting locals and tourists on the platform as to how long it will be until the next train arrives, and a light-up visual notifier and automated voice system that lets both visual- and hearing- impaired riders know what stop is coming up.

More power to in-subway retailers, say I, if the rental revenue helps to boost funding available for these sort of major upgrades to public transit.

7. Stop the noise
You raise an excellent question when you ask why we put up with shitty, irritating trains with their noise and vibration. We SHOULD get rid of them entirely, and replace them with “shinkansen” high-speed, silent Japanese bullet trains.

Or screw the subway, let’s get down with Calgary and BC and start up some SKY TRAINS. Form need not overtake function, but both should be paid equal attention.

8. Vive le Metro!
The French may lack hygenic facilities and have streets strewn with dog feces, but the Paris metro kicks Toronto Transit’s skinny white butt, so maybe you should just knock it off about how badly they suck.

I feel I have now sufficiently denigrated your weak, mewling arguments to the point that I can carry on with my day sans the blood-red haze of indignant fury that has obscured my vision since I first read your post last night. Carry on.