I thought I knew hurt. I’ve been around the block. I know from pain. You lose your first love. It hurts. You stumble into living with someone – no promises made, but things don’t work out. It hurts. Then you meet the loser who calls you “unlovableâ€. That hurts.
All painful. All hard to bounce back from.
But nothing, nothing is as soul-destroying as growing with someone, loving them, hearing them tell you in no uncertain terms that you are the woman they want to spend the rest of their living, breathing days with, then having them turn around and knock you out cold with the explanation that they just don’t see it working out and they want to call it quits. No couples therapy. No conversation. No second chances. Just “thank you, please leaveâ€.
It makes the object of your devotion a liar. It makes your own efforts at compromise and patience and perseverance in the face of all obstacles look stupid.
It really, really hurts.
Justin dumped me today. And I use the word dumped because it was sudden, decisive and casual, just like taking out the trash. Three years of living together, sleeping next to one another, waking up beside one another, going to funerals and marriages together, shopping for light fixtures together, planting a garden together, buying major appliances and a bed and a computer together, surviving hospital visits, unemployment, depression, graduation, family troubles,. And in the course of one day, it ends.
Everyone has their reasons for these things, and although I’m still a little fuzzy on this, it seems that my asking for the gift of a ring this Christmas, as a symbol of our commitment, was suggestive enough of marriage being really important to me, that Justin felt he needed to head for the hills. He has made it very clear that, (despite what I was led to believe when we were first dating and things were peachy), marriage is not something he believes in or wants to be part of in any way.
Never mind the fact that we’re already common-law partners, with him claiming insurance from my benefits and me listed as his beneficiary. And what does a ring mean anyway? Some people (and I’m thinking of close family members of Justin’s here) exchanged rings over a decade ago, with no signs of marriage on the horizon any time soon. It’s just a symbol, a concrete symbol that tells the world that two people are linked to one another, for better or for worse.
So now, I’m homeless and heartbroken. Life is looking a lot like this: I need to find an apartment, right away, that I can afford on my own. Because I am currently back home, living with my Mom – bless her heart – after ten years of independence. Did I mention that I’m reaching the end of my twenties here? This just isn’t right.
While packing to leave, I moved a lot of books very quickly today and cried quite a lot, and the two actions together appear to have sprained something quite painfully in my lower back. I took a bath to soothe my aching muscles, and did a quick survey of the ol’ body. Maybe I’m getting ditched because I’ve lost my sex appeal?
I am about to call a wrap on my twenty-ninth year of life, and after three decades, some things doubtless start to soften a little around the edges. Regular croissant consumption and irregular gym visits are also contributing factors to my less-than-perfect figure. But still, the basic hourglass remains. Legs could do with a good shave, but they’re struggling against the deadly duo of winter weather and long-term relationship sloth.
I saw a hickie on my shoulder and for a moment was filled with joy at some small physical reminder of Justin’s mouth on my skin. Then I remembered that I just carried two massive backpacks from Toronto to Oakville, and I bruise easily, so no. In the mirror, my face has the puffy shine of overexposure to tears, and my eyes are bloodshot. Nothing here worth shooting for Playboy. I’ve changed back into the jammies my mother has loaned me, and prepare for the sweet oblivion of sleep.
Where are you, Justin? Do the sheets still smell like me? I miss you, you jerk.
*hugs*
I’m so sorry, sweetie.
If you need anything, you know where we are.
Holy crap.
I’m so sorry. That’s so awful and (apparently) so very out of the blue.
3 years and just “over”? Jerk.
1) YOU are beautiful and perfect. And very very sexy. Playboy would be lucky.
2) “It makes your own efforts at compromise and patience and perseverance in the face of all obstacles look stupid.”
No, not “stupid”. It’s an indicator that you are a woman who will fight the good fight for what she wants, and a woman that truly loves.
Sugar, we all love you very much.
Do you want me to beat him up?
Le sigh. Boys are stupid. And I know this probably doesn’t mean much coming from me because I didn’t know him, but I do know you. Maybe a lot less than others but enough to know that you are fantastic, and smart, creative and beautiful, loving and probably the best, most stable thing he could possibly hope for in his life, because the things and people you do choose to care about, you care about wholly and completely, and that always amounts to a great big SOMETHING, that no one should throw away because of, what sounds like a lack of courage. And he’s completely stupid and probably doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t realize it.
And it doesn’t make it hurt any less, and I won’t be trite enough to tell you that you’re better off without him if he can’t see how daft he’s being, but remember that it’s his loss. Just don’t doubt yourself, okay? Lean on your friends if you need to but remember how strong you are and that you’ll get through it even if he doesn’t come to his senses. It’s not sex appeal or something that you did. He just lacks the balls to man up.
Check your email.
*hugs* I’m sorry you’re hurting. If you ever need a place to crash in the city, we have space.
And you definitely aren’t losing your sex appeal. I can report on the presence of your sex appeal for, what 15 years running? And it is unquestionably still going strong. You are still smart and beautiful and a joy to know. Whatever problems J is having aren’t because you of any lack of awesomeness on your part.
Hey you,
I’m so sorry that I’m going to be out of town while you’re dealing with both the physically demanding aspect of this and the first wave of the emotional fallout, not least of which because you were the one who got me through the Philip break-up and I’ve never forgotten that.
The best I can offer is that I will be back next Saturday evening, after which point I’m totally at your disposal for whatever you want or need. And Kate is on standby if you need a place to crash – I’ll email you her contact info.
C
*hugs*
i am so sorry to hear about this. what an asshole he is.
however, don’t you dare start putting this on yourself and assuming that you were the problem. the fact that you stood by him during all the crap you two dealt with is a testament to the fact that you are wonderful and amazing and beautiful inside and out. if there was a problem, he should have talked to you so you guys could try and work it out. he’s a coward for not doing so, especially since you’ve been together so long. but under no circumstances is this your fault, okay? none.
remember that you are loved wherever you are and have friends to get you through. if you want to talk (or escape to DC), and me and family have lots of room…and i’m still around. love.
I hope you are okay, or at least aware that at some point, it will be okay.
-B
Okay – I sent you an email last night before I knew what was going on (LJ just started working for me today).
Tried your cell, but you’re not answering and your mailbox is full.
I have no plans and have an empty house full of snuggly whore kitties if you need it. (and me, of course)
Love you, sweetie.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’ll be sending all my good thoughts your way.
There’s nothing I can say right now that will make you feel better, even though I desperately wish I had the words.
You ARE beautiful, so fucking smart and talented and you have more going on in your left foot than the vast majority of us have going on in our whole bodies.
It’s the worst feeling in the world, the feeling that comes right after a breakup. You’re going to make it – I promise – and things will get better.
I wish I wasn’t in fucking Calgary right now!!
I love love love you sweetheart – hang in there!!
I’m so sorry. That royally sucks. I hope your mom pampers you while you’re there.
Oh, Moira, I’m so sorry. Have a cup of tea and get some sleep. (It won’t help long term, but for the moment, it might.)
But I must echo other commenters above me and say that these are HIS issues, and not yours. That’s cold comfort right now, I’m sure, but try not to blame yourself.
Oh man, oh man, I’m so sorry. This is really sad news. I’m thinking about you and hoping you’re getting through it ok. Fuckity fuck, this just sucks.
I’m really sorry to hear this Moi. Take comfort from your friends and family, and focus on yourself, and the future good that can come from this. For better or for worse, some of those things on that list of yours will be easier done. It doesn’t stop it from being a huge messy ball of suck, but at least there’s hope and change..
I’m free for lunch on Wednesday and Thursday, and will happily meet you 1/2 way. Let me know..
I think everyone else has already said it, but you’re gorgeous and awesome and it’s *not you*. It’s shitty though, and I am sorry to hear it 🙁
Whoever the hell called you unloveable must have had an odd & unhealthy perspective on life. And I suspect playboy doesn’t have their models cry and move dusty books for 8 hours prior to the shoot. (That could make for a novel issue….) On the other hand, if you handed yourself over to their makeup artists and photographers, I think the results would be pretty hot ;>
I’m sorry he doesn’t have the balls to talk out his shit like an adult. And I’m sorry that his issues will mean so much pain for you.
Best,
CR
So there are above-ground bachelors in my area (Bathurst & St. Claire) for $600-$700 inclusive and one-bdrms for $700-800. They’re in older buildings, so you actually have decent windows and enough living space. I found a bach. with a full & seperate kitchen. Just FYI.
*big hugs* I can’t say much as I’m just not here with the fever but you have all my sympathny. 🙁
…but sad to see this nonetheless. Since I don’t live close enough to make a difference, I’m going to vote that you should go see Melly & the whore-kitties, because it’ll help.