R.J. Stewart, you bastard. You stole two hours of my life, and I’ll never get them back.
I also blame Christopher Walken, for involving himself in a venture as bad as ‘The Rundown’. My dear friend Philip Westoby, whose obsession with Mr. Walken’s unique system of verbal delivery was our downfall tonight, decided we should go see this celluloid monstrosity at full weekday prices. Christie’s glowing recommendation of this as a ‘kwalitee’ comedy piece, which she exemplified with The Rock being threatened by Stiffler with a pee shower, was not enough to convince me I should attend. But Christopher Walken’s vocal antics were the final straw. Dignity, Walken, is a concept you have obviously forgotten. That monologue about the tooth fairy… have you no shame?
This movie has now entered the hallowed halls of my Top Five All-Time Worst Movie Experiences. It rubs elbows with such stellar productions as: The Pallbearer with David Schwimmer and Gwyneth Paltrow; Vampire in Brooklyn with Eddie Murphy; The Postman with Kevin Costner; and Beverly Hills Ninja with Chris Farley. It has gently nudged Medicine Man starring Sean Connery from these prestigious ranks. Congratulations, Mr. The Rock — you suck with the best.
R. J. Stewart (whose resume I will include below), blatantly, blatantly stole from a number of other Hollywood films to cobble together his shoddy-ass script. Romancing the Stone. Indiana Jones. Apocalypse Now (they actually made Christopher Walken use the phrase “Heart of Darkness” in a speech to the “backwards natives”). Not to mention The Three Amigos (Walken as El Guapo). And I guess you could make an argument for a certain link between American Pie II with its humping dogs and Seann William Scott, and the humping monkeys and Seann William Scott in The Rundown.
It was just so very very bad. Please do not expose your optic nerves to the pain of transmitting this crap into your brain. Do not let our sacrifice be in vain. Phil and Moira give this four thumbs down. Save yourselves.
Writing Resume for R.J. Stewart:
Rundown, The (2003)
“Cleopatra 2525” (2000) TV Series
Amazon High (1999)
“Xena: Warrior Princess” (1995) TV Series
Major League II (1994)
And God Created Woman (1988)
“Remington Steele” (1982)
In other bad news, I went shopping for my motorcycle today, but the one I liked wouldn’t start, so I couldn’t even test-ride it. Damn.