So I went to the Santa Claus Parade on Sunday. And I have to say, for a ‘wholesome’ event, attended by thousands of innocent babes and their rosy-cheeked parents, it was rather… disturbing. Maybe my eyes have been clouded by looking through the tough, gritty lens of city life for too long, but here is what I saw:

First, the glowing faces of young adults and happy children.

Immediately followed by what can only be called a whole lot of cock.

Ever since that CSI episode about furries, my vision of people dressed up in full-body animal suits will never be the same. Given that disturbing perspective on the situation, you’ll understand why I was perturbed by the vast number of participants frolicking about, dressed head to toe as dogs, cats, penguins, lobsters, and yes, polar bears.

You already know how I feel about bunnies. There were hundreds of them. HUNDREDS! Blue ones, grey ones, white ones. All fluffy. All frightening.

The most terrifying part of the whole parade… the sleep-deprived walruses.

These monkeys look like they bathed in tartrazine before the show. Even speaking as a lover of Kraft Dinner, and wearer of orange mittens and hat, I find these vibrant orange freaks of nature terrifying.

And the truth comes out. Notice how skunk and owl are ‘fraternizing’? See the subtle exchange of phone numbers. They’ll be ‘grooming’ one another after the parade, you bet. Repulsive.

Santa, you lawbreaking lowlife. What are you teaching the children, running a red light like that? A whole generation of reckless drivers is going to grow up thinking that as long as they’re operating a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, they are completely above the rules of the road. Newsflash, Mr. Claus: you’re not driving through the arctic tundra of the north pole anymore. Pick up the reins, put away your bottle of Aquavit, and start paying attention to the intersection you’re barreling through. Jerk.

I doubt I’ll ever be able to see another Santa Claus Parade, after this scarring experience. Or rather, that after posting this disturbing entry, that anyone will want to take me there ever again.