If you…
1. …owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Moroccan food. I’ve had some success cooking it in the past, I love how it tastes, and there’s only one other restaurant in Toronto that serves it. Generally, though, I’m not a restauranteur – I don’t like the idea of selling any product that involves dissection and/or decomposition.
2. …owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
Graphic novels, new and used books, stationary and artist’s materials (esp. illustration board and india ink). Maybe I’d breed and sell lemurs, too: but definetly not spider monkeys, because I’ve heard they have projectile fecal issues.
3. …wrote a book, what genre would it be?
Mystery or romance or a combination of the two. Because you’ve got to write what you know, and my life is all about mystery and romance.
4. …ran a school, what would you teach?
Potions, divination, history of magic, etc. Possibly I’d teach courses in contemporary Canadian independent comics; the rise of the graphic novel; maybe something on adaptations of Shakespeare into film. I’m not particularly qualified to do any of this, but then, I’m not qualified to run a school either. Ah, whimsy.
5. …recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
A double disc with two hours’ worth of drunk, home-recorded covers of my favorite threnodies (death songs). These would include ‘Dust in the Wind’ and ‘Leader of the Pack’. All songs would be sung by me after I’d imbibed several bottles of Corona, with my buddy Dave playing banjo as accompaniment. The word “nutsack” would probably feature as a signature lyric added to every song, kind of like how Hitchcock makes his little cameo in all of his films.
This album would be written into my last will and testament, with the caveat that ANYONE expecting an inheritance from me would have to sit through all two hours worth of it (while an open bar provided alcoholic refreshment and relief), either listening respectfully or singing raucously along. Only AFTER the album finished would those who remained in the room find out what part of my estate they were due to receive.
In the most ideal of all possible worlds, I would have two bonus tracks, guest starring the vocal stylings of Bill Murray and Will Ferrell singing duets with me.
**Note: I have already begun recording tracks for this album, and hope to record one song per year for at least the next decade**
You’re pretty damn funny, even when you’re DANGEROUSLY sleep-deprived. Perhaps even ESPECIALLY when you’re dangerously sleep-deprived.
That said, get out of there ASAP and go take a nap chez moi. Then Cat will shoot you with the makeup gun…
I must say that although I expect to be generously rewarded in your will, I also expect to be exempt from the “Sitting Through All Two Hours of [the Album]” Clause, as I will have sat through all 200 hours of drinking and recording it.
“Dougal, just play the F@%!ing note!”
“…you mean the first one?”
“NO! NOT THE F@!%ING FIRST ONE! WE ALREADY GOT THE F@!%ING FIRST ONE DOWN! JUST PLAY THE F@!%ING NOTE YOU WERE JUST PLAYING!”
And I am adding a rule for the album, and it is this: No more rap remixes.
Yes dear, of course you can be exempt from the inaugural airing of our auditory masterpiece, should you so desire. BUT! That means you’re going to have to miss out on the open bar, as well. Frankly, if I’m dead and you’re still ticking, I’m thinking you’ll be needing a stiff drink.
No more rap remixes – it’s a deal. I still need you to email me ‘D.I.T.W.’ again, please. I think I can do without ‘Blackbird’, though. The evil version can just stay on your hard drive.
It is my firm opinion that we MUST record ‘My Lovely Horse’, if only as a bonus track for all those fans of Norwegian b-sides with lyrics by drunken Irish priests with an Oasis complex. BTW, did you see that all 3 seasons of Father Ted are now available as region 1 DVD sets?
YOUR HOMEWORK:
1) learn the chords for ‘Leader of the Pack’
2) figure out where we can insert the word “nutsack” into ‘My Lovely Horse’
she’s now sleeping with miss pickles.
I would *definitely* buy your CD. Yup.
can i sing back-up on your album? pretty please?
thank you so much for the multitude of comments by the way. i feel loved. i miss you! *hugs*