1) Printers Are Sentient Beings

Fact: Modern laser printers have achieved such a high level of A.I. that they will now refuse to print a report that you desperately need for an impending meeting if you have accidentally specified “manual feed, labels” instead of “tray three, legal paper”. Indeed, the printer in my office has apparently been possessed by the spirit of Deanna fucking Troi, since it “sensed” that the four sheets of legal I obediently fed into the manual tray were not labels, but actually just plain old paper. How does the beastly thing KNOW? Does it have EYES?

2) Offices are Dry in Winter

Fact: Dry, arid air and cheap carpeting can cause static electricity to build up. Static electricity causes wool pants to stick to my legs. Static also causes me to painfully shock myself on everyone and everything that I touch. Today, static meant that when I grazed past my manager, an arc of blue energy flashed painfully between us. Whereupon I immediately shouted “Egad! The Wrath of Zeus is upon us!” They’ll be expecting my resignation any minute now.

3) Auditory Memory Exists

Fact: A song you hear before going to sleep can stay with you for hours, sometimes days, after you hear it. The freaking soundtrack for the two minute video intro to the television adaptation of ‘Ghost in the Shell’, ‘Stand Alone Complex’, is haunting me. The music is instrumental with heavenly vocal overlay. It sounds like Bjork busting out some Bach in B minor.I woke up this morning hearing it. I’m hearing it even as I type. I cannot get it out of my head.

4) Popcorn Contains Antioxidants

Fact: Justin is one of those “selective nutritionist”, practicing “selective label reading”. Yesterday, in a dazzling display of ignorance vs. curiosity, he unquestioningly consumed deep fried halibut and a bucket of KFC, but balked at tossing a sack of Orville Redenbacher’s new “Sweet” popcorn into the microwave. This is because popcorn has legislated ingredient disclosure in the form of an unhelpful label on the package. And when reading the label, JVL discovered that it contained a mysterious and ominuous-sounding substance called ‘TBHQ’. Now, do not ye leap to the conclusion that this quixotic acronym stands for ‘Top-Bottom Head Quarters’, as I, for some unfathomable reason, thought last night before I got my google on. No, it stands for Tertiary Butyl Hydroquinone, and it’s in a lot of things, apparently, including RATS! BEAGLES! and HUMAN MALES! I may never eat again.

Thanks for tuning in to Today’s Scientific Facts, from your friendly scientific reporter Pipesdreams! Over and out.