Dear Building Management:
Please, please, for the love of all that’s sacred, turn off the heat. Turn it off, I say!
I know it’s only April, and there’s every chance that we may yet experience another freak snowstorm. You have doubtless seen the convincing movie adaptation of this eventuality, “The Day After Tomorrow”. I, however, am willing to take that chance, and prepare for any totally unlikely blizzards by keeping a fleece pashmina at my desk, just in case.
In the meantime, I’d like to explain to you that the precipitation we are currently experiencing is called RAIN. This is distinguished from snow by it’s lack of coldness. When rain falls, we sometimes experience a phenomenon known as “humidity”, colloquially known as “damp”, “moisture”, or “air sweat”.
It is important that you turn off the forced heating in our building, because heat, when combined with “humidity”, creates an environment known as “Vietnam”. I could go swimming in the pools of perspiration collecting in my underpants.
If the hotboxing of my office persists, I will be forced to react to my jungle-like surroundings by adapting my behaviour to suit: skulking around wearing only my dress pants, underpinnings and some grease paint, I will begin cutting down cubicles to create rudimentary shelters, where I can rest in camoflaged shade from the glaring overhead fluorescents, and wait for the next enemy soldier to enter my crosshairs.
Pardon me, I believe I may have lapsed into a false sniper flashback there. It must be the malaria I’ve contracted from the pestilent tropical flies that have sprung up in the warm nest of my desk plants due to the scorching temperatures.
Turn off the heat, or the water cooler gets it.
Best regards and felicitations,
Roasted Office Worker #2457
Moira, has anyone told you recently what a marvelous writer you are?
So, so funny.
It’s about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across this line, you do not cross!
-caellum
I don’t know where we could put it, but I feel like this has to go up on TMB.net. Maybe we could start a new section for it.
Seriously. This must be shared with the world! Help me find a way to accomplish this.
And please don’t shoot me.
Well, we could start a small anonymous series called “Belligerent Office Worker #2457” and just let anyone with a rant write letters for it.
I should suggest that has an amazingly dry and witty epistolary style which she busts out from time to time, also related to office woes. Perhaps one of her old letter-rants could be an accompanying entry?
and I’ve got my finger on the “cool me down” button.
I know we all call it that… but it’s occurred to me that some people might actually go to “tmb.net” in search of your web site and be highly confused when they are confronted with what is apparently the web site for the Barcelona public transit system.
Maybe you should buy the URL from them?
I think in order to get your message across, you should go into work in full tropical snorkeling gear, bring in sand, a blow up palm tree, drink Pina colada’s out of coconuts, and play the sound track for Club Dread Really freaking load. That’s showing them, and if not, it’ll be really great office party.
wanna come be a subject in our malaria studies?
… I often hotlink tmb.net when I abbreviate like that for that very reason (although I never bothered actually looking up what the real tmb.net is – at least it’s not something shameful to be associated with!), but lately I’ve just been lazy and complacent.
You know, as opposed to my usual unlazy incomplacency.