Dear Building Management:
Thank you for making the dream that was “The Day After Tomorrow†a reality. At any moment, I expect arctic wolves to come loping ravenously into my cubicle, searching for the tasty snack that is my frozen corpse.
Perhaps I complained too readily of the warmth that is now but a vague memory to my icy flesh. While I don’t recall specifically asking to be relocated to Siberia, I suppose I forgot to account for the extreme prejudice inherent in your spiteful, spiteful natures.
I have goosebumps the size of actual, live geese on my forearms, you bitchez.
It’s a good thing I cut down those cubicles to create shade back when this office was heatstroke central: now I can utilize them as kindling for fire. Hopefully the crackling blaze that results will stave off the hypothermia in a way that my 100% polyester dry-clean-only blazer cannot.
Learn to use air conditioning with restraint. Learn sympathy. Learn consideration. Learn about temperate climates, you ignorant cro-magnon fools.
Sincere wishes for the leprous decay of your genitalia,
Polar Office Worker #2457
I wondered if this would happen when I read your tropical post. Better to be hot than cold, says I.
“Letters from the Brink”
I think we could find LOTS of material for such a section amongst our friends.
I’m also thinking this might be a place where I can archive my collected apology notes to my liver, etc.
Yes! I will immediately send you a fine example of a letter from the brink. It is extremely explicit, so if tmb.net is a family oriented site, you may not be able to use it. But I hope you enjoy it anyway.
-DL
I always think the opposite, but I am a big hairy man. For me, I can always put on more sweaters, but propriety and biology keep me from taking enough off to really get cool. So cool is good. 😉
I’m cold so much of the time that being warm is just amazing to me.
I thought you, particularly, would enjoy my sign-off on this letter, “Sincere wishes for the leprous decay of your genitalia.” It has a nice ring to it: I’m going to try to incorporate it into more of my daily correspondence.
The rest of this letter lacks vehemence and creativity because I do actually *infinitely* prefer cold to hot, in almost every situation. For example, I would much rather peacefully freeze to death on an ice floe than perish in the flaming, smoky blaze of a house fire, my flesh crisping and falling off my body, my nerve endings screaming in indescribable agony, my lungs burning and suffocating from the thick, black smoke.
Yeah.
I’ll take “chilly” over “sweaty” any day.
I second that.
I’m a small(ish) (mostly)hairless girl, who suffers from Reynaud’s Phenomenon, and I STILL prefer the cold.
Cold = good.
Wish we had more cold down here (and less old people).
🙁
I suspect they may not listen to your letters as you were not, in fact, holding the conch when you addressed them.
Mind the
gapfalling rocks.